I’m having difficulty opening up. I wake up every day with the best intentions to not allow any depression, anxiety or worry get in the way of my day.
When I set up this blog, I had fantastic intentions, ambitions and most of all I had confidence. But today, I’m having a bad day. I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone how exactly it feels when I have a bad day. Of course, everyone has them but they’re different for different people.
I don’t have the best vocabulary to describe it so let me start small and I’ll do my best to build on it.
Exhausted. I have no motivation to get up. It’s easier to lie in bed and do nothing despite the fact that I know I’m going to get a headache from being inside, dehydrated and hungry because I don’t want to leave my room. I have no energy left to put effort into thinking positively.
Hopeless. There doesn’t seem to be any end or resolution to any problem I may be mulling over on that particular day. You know those people who seem to find a problem with every solution you suggest to them? How annoying they are? Yeah, it’s like that except you’re both the person who finds every tiny problem with everything and the person trying to fix the main issue, plus all of said tiny obstacles I mange to fathom as well. It’s extremely frustrating.
Now, I definitely don’t have a word for this. If I start to worry about one difficult situation it usually leads to overthinking previous conundrums. I’ve only been able to aptly describe it to a counsellor once and it went a bit like this:
Each dilemma is like a parcel. Each a different size, shape, weight. They have their own place in this wardrobe, the wardrobe being my mind, and they’re all very carefully balanced. So when I take one box away, it’s like an avalanche and everything comes pouring out.
It’s overwhelming, unnerving and it becomes very difficult to focus on anything. This excludes all the emotions that are stripped bare again, that I have to try and deal with as well. You can start to see why bed seems like a very good option? There aren’t enough hours in the day to think about all the various scenarios, the copious ways I could have reacted differently, future series of events that may occur as a result of their predecessors and the ways I would respond or even retaliate.
All this looking back on all the hurt I’ve felt or caused leaves me feeling uncertain and insecure. I have to, at some point, feel these things all over again. It doesn’t leave you feeling very optimistic. You start to question where you’re going. If you’ve fucked everything else up so bad who’s to say you won’t fuck anything else up? It becomes more complicated when you start to think
“how can I just get away, avoid this for the rest of my life?”
“where could I live where no one knows my name, my story?”
You want someone there because you feel alone and isolated but you don’t want to be near anyone, you don’t want to be seen this way, you don’t want to be touched.
This just leaves you feeling confused, guilty, angry and upset that you let yourself end up like this, to be in the situations that got you here, for picking up that first parcel and letting the avalanche happen. The thing is though, there’s always an end. A light at the end of tunnel. Being able to get through days, even weeks without end, with no relief shows strength, courage, durability.. My bad days have gotten worse and developed to this, but I’ll still wake up every morning with fight inside me ready to have a good day, because no day is a normal day.
This is my first personal experience post that may be of some help to other. It’s important to remember that nothing lasts forever, good and bad. I’ll hopefully have a post up soon about the different methods I’ve used to try and tackle these bad days. I don’t have a one-fits-all solution. Everyone is different and I’ve tried so many different things for myself. Some things work long-term, others just the once, but never stop trying: